Love
and Forgiveness:
Controversial Healing Tools for Survivors and Perpetrators
of Sexual Abuse (as well as physical/psychological abuse)
by Leonard Shaw, M.S.W., A.C.S.W
The purpose of this chapter is to 1) explain and interpret
my Love and Forgiveness work with survivors and perpetrators
of sexual abuse, 2) share criticisms and controversy about
this work, and 3) respond to those criticism.
I have been a psychotherapist since 1963. I was originally
trained as a non-directive Freudian, said little to my clients,
and rarely revealed my own feelings in my work. Soon, however,
I was strongly influenced by the Existential approach and
Rogerian therapy (Rogers, 1961). I started focusing on the
feelings and thoughts held “right now” in the
moment by the client (and myself, the therapist).
I entered private practice in 1966 and had a half-time research
job studying Family Therapy. This gave me a rich overview
of a significant “growing edge” in the field of
psychotherapy. In 1967 I had an experiential introduction
to Gestalt Therapy (Perls, 1969), was very impressed and started
a self-training program immediately. I read what was available,
attended some Fritz Perls workshops, a five-day Jim Simkin
workshop, a weekend seminar with Laura Perls, and did regular
co-therapy with therapists who had trained extensively with
Fritz Perls, the founder of Gestalt Therapy. What impressed
me about Gestalt Therapy was the speed with which clients
could get to their deeper feelings and resolve conflicts.
And, of course, insights often emerged in the process.
After practicing and teaching Gestalt for ten years, I went
through a powerful shift, or transformation as a therapist
and as a person. I was strongly influenced by Sydney Banks’
seminars (1978-79), Gerald Jampolsky’s Mini-Course and
Tibetan Buddhism. I became much more spiritually grounded
in love, happiness, forgiveness, commitment, and the deep
connection we all have with each other. The healing efficiency
of my work took a significant jump at that time.
There are numerous possible steps to the healing process I
use currently, depending on the client’s strengths and
readiness. Some people are only ready to share or ventilate,
while others are ready for a deeper movement and healing.
Timing is crucial here, and it relates mostly to the following
two factors:
1) the establishment of trust in the therapeutic relationship.
2) a clinical judgment or intuitive sense by the therapist
that the client is ready.
The essence and power of this work since 1978 seems to come
from combining Gestalt Therapy with a spiritual grounding.
The controversy centers around asking the survivor to put
themselves in the shoes of the perpetrator.
GESTALT THERAPY
The Gestalt therapy process puts things in the now.
Instead of talking about your father, you imagine he
is in front of you and talk directly to him. You do not talk
about your dream, you imagine you are in your dream and describe
it with “ing” verbs like it is happening right
now. To relive a traumatic event, you describe it with “ing”
verbs as yourself at the age at which it happened, i.e. “My
name is Terry. I am six years old and my grandfather is taking
me to his workshop. Normally I like going there, but this
time he is acting kind of odd and I am wondering why…”
(The specific details are often important for completing the
healing process.)
Then I have the client relive the event with “ing”
verbs as the perpetrator. This process greatly increases the
chances that the client can get in touch with buried feelings
and memories. It is a very efficient and effective tool. Since
1967, I have used this with many hundreds of clients to work
with dreams, nightmares, thoughts of suicide, obsessive fantasies,
obsessive anger, revenge fantasies, and traumatic events.
Some specific criticisms have arisen about using this tool
with survivors of sexual abuse, especially the part about
having the client relive the event as the perpetrator.
THE SPECIFIC CRITICISMS
1. It is confusing. What does it mean to the victims to “pretend”
to be the perpetrator? It may further confuse them about the
event. It may increase or precipitate guilt. Did they somehow
abuse themselves?
2. It may be re-stimulating, and re-traumatize the client.
3. It is unfair. After all they have suffered, we now ask
them to empathize with the perpetrator.
4. It may disintegrate the victim’s personality.
5. What message does the therapist give the patient in suggesting
they put themselves in the shoes of the perpetrator? Does
not his lessen the significance of the patients’ experience
or suggest that their pain and trauma was not as important
as they thought?
Criticism
1: Is is confusing?
Some people are so angry (or sometimes in a more opposite
state, they are emotionally flat or without feeling) that
they are nowhere near ready to make an empathic connection
with the perpetrator. They need to relive the event and change
the ending to acting out their rage on the perpetrator, often
killing him/her. After they have killed the perpetrator in
a fantasy, I recommend a spontaneity exercise starting sentences
with “Now that you’re dead…” Some
typical responses are:
“Now that you’re dead…, it’s a relief.”
Now that you’re dead, you’ll never hurt me again.”
“Now that you’re dead, you’ll never hurt
anyone again.” “Now that you’re dead, I
feel better.” “Now that you’re dead, I feel
worse.” (Often people express one response and then
express the opposite.) “Now that you’re dead,
I’m free.” “Now that you’re dead,
you’re free.” “Now that you’re dead,
I’ll go to prison.” “Now that you’re
dead, I feel an odd connection with you.”
Next time I ask them to relive this Gestalt therapy fantasy
process (of killing the perpetrator) as the perpetrator, i.e.
“Jane suddenly has super strength (or a gun or a weapon).
She is catching me off guard. She is knocking me to the ground,”
etc. It is important to finish this fantasy in detail and
then, as the perpetrator , start sentences with “Now
that I’m dead…” Some typical responses are:
“Now that I’m dead, I can relax.” “Now
that I’m dead, it’s over.” “Now that
I’m dead, I’ll never hurt anyone again.”
“Now that I’m dead, I feel a strange relief.”
“Now that I’m dead, I’m sorry.” “Now
that I’m dead, you’ll probably hate me.”
This may be the first glimpse of the client being able to
put themselves in the perpetrator’s shoes. Also at this
stage, the client sometimes gets a glimpse of the price they
pay for hanging on to their anger, i.e. as the client Jane
is being the perpetrator and saying “Jane is pounding
me, Jane is choking me, Jane is beating the life out of me,”
she sometimes can get the feeling that by hanging on to her
rage instead of releasing it, she is also beating the life
out of herself. In therapy and in life, some people cry and
express rage or pain in a way that is releasing, relaxing,
and letting it pass out of their body. Other people express
pain or anger in a squeezing fashion that keeps it locked
in their body.
Some
people are so emotionally flat or dead that they, too, are
not ready to connect emotionally to the perpetrator. They
can’t even get mad about what happened. After a few
failed attempts to connect them with the event, their anger,
and/or their body, I might say “Is it okay if I pretend
to be you and express some feelings and/or relive the event?”
If I really put commitment, energy, and feeling into it, they
sometimes start connecting with their feelings about the event.
Sometimes (rarely) a client will say “no”, they
do not want me to pretend to be them. It is important to explore
their resistance at this point, but not to pressure them to
proceed.
Before
I pretend to be the client, I usually say, “Don’t
try to figure out if what I say fits. Your body will give
wiggles or waves or warmth if it fits. Otherwise you will
feel like I might as well be reading the yellow pages."
Sometimes the technique has been criticized as putting words
in the client’s mouth and possibly confusing them. I
always tell my clients it is important for them to feel free,
to be unmoved or untouched by my role playing. Also, I look
at it like group therapy. One of the values and purposes of
group therapy is that sometimes a client gets in touch with
feelings they did not know they had, when another client in
group is working on an issue that parallels their buried pain.
It is not uncommon for a client to start crying when I pretend
to be them and I express what I sense to be their buried pain
and anger.
So, returning to the criticism of “Is is not confusing
to a client when they pretend to be the perpetrator and relive
the traumatic events?”, my experience has been that
it is not confusing. In fact, usually it helps clarify the
event and helps the clients sort out their feelings and also
get to buried feelings. As themselves, they are not always
sure exactly what happened. when they relive it as a perpetrator,
they sometimes get a clearer picture of what happened. This
is very useful.
This process raises some interesting questions. When the client
pretends to be the perpetrator, from whence comes the thoughts
and feelings they express. Sometimes the experience seems
almost psychic. Not only do some clients have an uncanny ability
to become the perpetrator, they also will say things about
the perpetrator’s life and childhood that sound extremely
credible. This is often a sign that a deep healing is taking
place in the client.
Sometimes in these Gestalt processes, a client is momentarily
confused. But is only lasts a few seconds. Sometimes they
feel temporarily worse as they work through the experience
towards completion and integration. Often it takes more than
one session. If the work is done in one of my large seminars
(25-500 people), it often seems to have an even greater healing
impact. Sometimes this process seems irrelevant to or out
of the question for a particular client’s needs.
Certainly if a client had very weak ego boundaries or was
on the verge of disintegrating, you would not want to attempt
this process. It needs to be practiced with intuition and
great sensitivity.
One middle-aged woman I worked with in a large three-day Love
and Forgiveness seminar had never been able work through her
repeated rapes by her father when she was a teenager. He would
take her to the basement late at night, tie her up and rape
her, and then refuse to talk to her during the day. She told
me later (after completing the Gestalt process) that she felt
a peace and a connection with her father that she had never
felt before; no confusion, no guilt, no anger. She felt complete
and ready to leave the rapes, trauma, and pain behind her.
She was a peaceful, grateful woman.
To achieve that level of peace and integration, two aspects
of the experience seem particularly important. One, the client
needs to feel and release the pain around the traumatic event(s)
and two, as the perpetrator, the client needs to be able to
feel the fear, self-hate, loneliness, hatred of the victim
because the victim reminds them of their own despicable behavior
(which leads to more self hatred), the compulsion or addiction
behind this terrible, poisonous behavior, and the feeling
“no one could possibly love or respect me if they knew
what horrible things I have done.” The isolation, fear
and self hate is overwhelming. To feel all of this seems particularly
liberating for most clients.
Criticism 2: Is it too re-stimulating for the client?
If you are exploring this technique and you get the feeling
that the client is stirring up more emotions than they are
capable of processing, then, of course, you need to retreat
and/or get the client to focus on simple body sensations.
“Can you feel the arm of the chair? The texture of the
material? The back of the chair supporting you? The heaviness
of your body pressing into the chair? The tightness of your
belt? The weight of your left ankle resting on your right
ankle? Your breathing expanding your ribs?”
Often though, I suspect that the emotions are getting too
intense for the therapist, not the client. It provides a lot
of security for the client to feel that the therapist is comfortable
with their intense feelings (even though I sometimes cry when
I go through this with a client). It also helps a great deal
if the therapist feels confident in his/her ability to create
something positive and healing from any feeling that the client
comes up with in the process.
And, of course, if the client seems on the verge of disintegrating,
this is not an appropriate process at this time for their
healing.
If the client is ready for this work, then of course there
are many potential benefits (i.e., accessing emotions and
memories; achieving clarity and insights; eliminating flashbacks
and stress; diminishing over-reactiveness and distortions
in every day life; gaining strength and optimism from adversity;
and for some, resolution, completion, and peace through compassion
and forgiveness for all people involved, including the perpetrator).
For
those interested in a deeper discussion of the value of abreactive
work, I refer you to chapter one from The Sexually Abused
Male, volume two, pages 1 through 55, by Steele and Colrain,
“Abreactive Work with Sexual Abuse Survivors: Concepts
and Techniques” (editor, Mic Hunter).
Criticism 3: Is is not unfair to ask the client to
put themselves in the shoes of the perpetrator?
It may seem unfair. It was unfair that the perpetrator molested
or raped the client in the first place. And I tell the client
that I am very sorry for the pain they have suffered. But
the wiser I get, the less interested I am in the fairness
of what happens with the client (though I still feel waves
of anger at times). I am more interested in the client’s
reclaiming their personal power and their peace of mind. Not
power over other people, but power over how they experience
people and events in their lives. I have not found anything
more effective in restoring this peace and power than this
process we are describing here.
Also I am a fairly active therapist. My work tends to be rather
short term and intense. I tell clients that everything I suggest
is optional and that they should never feel obligated to try
something. I also encourage clients to “try out”
my suggestions as an experiment and let their body sensations
tell them if the experiment “clicks” for them
or not. They will have thoughts or feelings of “Oh no”
or “Oh yes” or waves or wiggles if it fits. Or,
if they have an urge to run out of the room, it may be a sign
that we are making progress.
Criticism 4: This is a dangerous technique
that will disintegrate the client’s personality.
As discussed earlier, this is a very powerful tool and, of
course, you do not use it if you sense or observe weak ego
boundaries or that the client is on the verge of disintegration.
But even with weak clients, I sometimes sense a strong inner
core and with a little reinforcing or validating of this core,
I can proceed with desirable results.
Criticism 5: Does this work diminish the client’s
sense of self value or diminish the significance of their
pain?
It is important to have great respect for the client’s
experience and pain. It is important for the therapist to
feel strong love and commitment toward the client and their
well being. As I write this, of course I have the feeling
that I am opening up an entirely new controversy. “A
strong love for the client—what is this? Now you’re
telling me I must have a strong love for the client to do
this work?”
Actually, what I am really telling you is that you have an
overwhelming love for the client whether you realize
it or not. And the more in touch this love that you are, the
more powerful will be your therapy.
In 1978, I went through a powerful shift as a person and as
a therapist. As part of this shift, I realized that underneath
our fears, we all have a deep connection and love for each
other, although many people are not conscious of it. My shift
came from my contact with Sydney Banks, reading Gerald Jampolsky’s
Mini-Course, and reading a book review on “Unlocking
the Secret’s of Tibet”. Then in 1986, in the middle
of a very intense six-day seminar, I realized that this love
(for all our brothers and sisters on the planet) is far stronger
than I had previously thought. One of my favorite descriptions
of this is a quote by albert Einstein that I chose for the
ending of my book Love and Forgiveness.
A human being is part of the whole, called by us “universe,”
a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself,
his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the
rest—a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness.
This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to
our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest
to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison
by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living
creatures and the whole nature in its beauty.—Albert
Einstein
Another
slant on this comes from the research of Carl Rogers back
in the fifties. He studied numerous therapists that were quite
respected and noted for their effectiveness. They came from
many different schools of therapy (analytic, behavioral, existential,
etc.). He discovered that the best therapists all had some
significant traits in common. These traits were non-possesive
warmth and unconditional positive regard. In other
words, mature love.
If this information upsets you or feels irrelevant to you,
please feel free to ignore it.
My experience with this work is that the client does not feel
diminished in any way unless the therapist is pushing forgiveness
or pushing their point of view on the client. It is true,
however, that after completing this work, the client no longer
feels that their pain or anger dominates their life or their
relationships.
The last stage of actually saying to the perpetrator “I
forgive you” takes place after the client has relived
the traumatic event as themselves and as the perpetrator,
and invented a conversation between themselves and the perpetrator.
For completion with the traumatic event, the conversation
needs to get to the place where the client actually feels
a brother/sister connection with the perpetrator. Sometimes
at this point, they go ahead and say “I forgive you”
and sometimes it doesn’t seem necessary.
This work is quite paradoxical. I have had clients actually
cry over the pain in the life of the perpetrator. These
are not the self-cancelling tears of a co-dependent caretaker.
There is a powerful spiritual truth operating here. We are
all part of each other. We are all connected in a way that
is beyond words and beyond understanding. Forgiveness is nice
for the perpetrator, but it is much more powerful for the
person doing the forgiving because of the following:
At the deepest level, forgiveness means we are finally
loving a part of ourselves from whom we have been withholding
love.
This is a very integrating, empowering experience and in no
way does it mean the perpetrator’s behavior was acceptable.
SEXUAL
FEELINGS IN THE THERAPIST
Writing about sexual abuse would not seem complete to me without
touching on the often-neglected subject of sexual feelings
in the therapist. Therapy can create some very intimate, vulnerable
moments. Feelings of tenderness
can lead to sexual feelings. Also, when dealing with sexual
abuse, some very explicit sexual experiences may be recalled
and/or relived. The therapist may, at times, have a sexual
feeling when this takes place. Something similar may manifest
around sado-masochistic material with or without sexual specifics.
Because of all this, it is very important that the therapist
has clear healthy boundaries and feels sexually grounded.
I have also noticed that when I am fully aware of my love
and commitment to the client’s well being, sexual feelings
are almost non-existent. When they rarely do occur, I think
of my commitment to the client and those feelings disappear.
When I work with clients and/or therapists who have any sexual
ambiguities, confusions, ungroundedness, or vagueness, here
is some of my coaching:
“If you have a sexual feeling toward someone other
than your mate, notice that feeling, gently set it aside without
judgment, and think of something that you sexually appreciate
about your mate. People often use sexual feelings toward a
third party as a way of avoiding intimacy or commitment. In
our ‘big mind’, we have a deep longing to connect
(mind, body, and spirit) with our mate. In our ‘little
mind’, we are terrified of it. Would you be willing
to practice this exercise for one (or two, or three) weeks?”
If a therapist does not have a personal relationship of their
own and is having sexual feelings for hi/her clients, it is
potentially dangerous if they cannot (or will not) easily
set them aside with some of the tools mentioned above. In
their “big mind”, the client wants a beautiful,
trusting, healing relationship with the therapist. In their
“little mind”, the client may expect (unknowingly)
that the therapeutic relationship will also turn out to be
an abusive one. They may even attempt to orchestrate it. All
the more reason for the therapist to have very clear boundaries
and commitment.
This sort of discussion and coaching should be a part of all
therapist training programs. It is unwise to give someone
a potentially dangerous power tool without teaching them safety
precautions.
LOVE AND FORGIVENESS WITH PERPETRATORS AND VICTIMS
IN A PRISON SETTING
Since 1986, I have been teaching my three-day “Love
and Forgiveness” seminar (as a volunteer) at Monroe
State Prison, near Seattle. This takes place four to five
times per year and is attended by approximately twenty-five
inmates, fifteen friends and relatives of inmates, and ten
outsiders (including therapists from Europe and Canada).
Most of these inmates, have been severely abused physically,
sexually, and/or psychologically as children and most of them
grew up to severely abuse others (murder, rape, child abuse,
etc.). In order to hurt another human being, we must numb
ourselves and pretend that we do not have a deep, loving connection
with them.
In order to heal our violent acts that we have committed,
we must relive the event and stay conscious (first as ourselves
and then as the person we injured, raped, or killed). And
again, this is done by describing the event in detail with
“ing” verbs, like it is happening right now, at
this moment. To own this behavior “in the now”
in front of fifty people is a very intense, powerful experience.
After re-living the event as themselves and as the victim,
I then have them invent a conversation between themselves
and the victim until they feel the deep
connection that we all have for each other. Most men cry when
they go through this process. (I do not process violent crimes
when we have young children in the seminars.)
Since terrible violence was perpetrated on these men when
they were children, this also means that to heal, they often
must relive that traumatic event, first as themselves, then
as the perpetrator, and invent a healing conversation between
themselves and the perpetrator. (This is the usual order,
though my intuition sometimes guides me in another order,
or even to skip some steps.)
It has been suggested to me (by professionals and nonprofessionals
both) that since these men committed such violent crimes,
perhaps they do not deserve healing and peace of mind. It
is very clear by the third day of these seminars that:
1) We are all in this together and if we refuse healing to
these men, we are refusing to heal ourselves.
2) When we love these men, we are loving ourselves.
3) We are all much more alike than we are different.
The volume of childhood trauma in these men’s lives,
though, is usually much more severe compared to the general
population. two examples:
“I am six years old and I have accidentally scratched
my cousin’s brand new bike while riding it. My mom says,
‘Wait until your dad gets home.” … My dad
is bringing his rifle out of his bedroom and putting the barrel
in my mouth. He is pulling the trigger. The gun clicks with
no bullet in it. My life is changing forever.”
Another:
“I am ten years old. My mother is extremely violent,
but she allows me not the slightest expression of anger or
aggression. (Later as a teenager ten inches taller than she,
I still cannot lift a finger when she is choking me. I black
out. My stepfather saves me by pulling her off.) Anyway, as
a ten-year-old, I have a magical place in nature where I retreat
for long periods of great peace and healing. It is a beautiful
clearing surrounded by trees and bushes. One day, unknown
to me, a teenager follows me to my healing place and forces
me to have sex at knife-point. I never go there again.”
One inmate, after re-living a traumatic sexual event (suffered
at the hands of his father) realized that the pattern of the
rapes he committed as an adult was a replay of his childhood
trauma, only now he was the perpetrator.
Inmates have also reported that repetitive nightmares or day
terrors disappear after doing this work. Often they discover
within themselves a great desire to help others. A lot of
lay therapy takes place while walking the yard with other
inmates who are struggling with emerging traumas.
The vicarious impact of this work is quite powerful. There
are some inmates who have attended many of these three-day
seminars and never taken the “hot seat”, and never
worked directly on their childhood traumas or adult crimes.
Even they report examples of wanting to kill someone, or being
in a violent situation that looks like “kill or be killed”
and choosing to walk away or do something or say something
loving.
It takes tremendous courage, discipline, and ego-death to
relive your crimes and your childhood traumas (and your Viet
Nam traumas). This level of vulnerability makes it easy for
people to access their deep love for each other and to tell
the truth about it.
AN IMPORTANT TOOL OF TECHNOLOGY
There is one other important tool I use in private practice
that seems to free me to offer larger therapeutic leaps to
my clients. I audio-tape all sessions, with client permission
(and one out of twenty say “no”). I say “This
is only for your use and nothing else. Is that okay?”
(“Yes”) “You may tend to judge yourself
when you listen to the tape. If you notice that happening,
see if you can set aside your judgements and listen to this
person with love and compassion. The tape will be more useful
that way.” Some clients have listened to their tape
five times by our next session and others not at all.
I have a small inexpensive tape recorder. I buy tapes by the
case (100) for under one dollar each, and the key to the recording
is a microphone the size of my little finger that costs ninety
dollars.
If the session is particularly rich and/or covers considerable
material, the tape helps the client integrate and reinforce
our work. I use relaxation and visualization, and segments
of our work are often affirming and life-enhancing. Therefore,
parts of the recordings are almost like tailor-made affirmation
tapes for the client.
My work tends to be rather short-term and intensive (five
to ten sessions), and three to eighteen months later, another
few sessions (though I have a few ongoing weekly clients for
more than three months). Sometimes when clients come back
for more therapy, they say they recently sat (or took a car
trip) and listened to all our previous tapes and felt ready
to take a deeper cut into their unfinished business. They
also say “I forgot how far I’ve come”.
SUMMARY
In summary, remember these tools are not to be inflicted on
clients. This work requires great respect for each person’s
unique rate of healing. Some clients are ready for great strides
in therapy and others need to take very small steps.
A therapist’s intuition and sensitivity play a key role
in this work.
Another important tool for the therapist is love and commitment.
The higher your love and commitment for the client, the easier
and more effective is the work. Every session, I try to do
the best job that I possibly can. When the going gets tough
in a particular session, I tell myself, “When this person
leaves, I want to feel complete with them. Is there anything
I’m holding back or afraid to say?” I may even
tell the client “I notice I am holding back what I usually
say in these circumstances.” The client usually appreciates
this honesty a lot and together we look at the possible significance
of my reluctance. Often my ego is wanting to look good or
wanting the client to like me when I am reluctant, and not
wanting to upset them.
Another tool I use on myself if my commitment starts to lag
a little is that I imagine we are doing our sessions with
lapel microphones in front of hundreds of people and I want
the person in the very last row to get a lot of value from
this session.
I almost always feel happy and energized after a session.
And, after forty years of doing therapy, I feel very grateful
to love my work more than ever.
Another attitude on my part that makes all this possible is
very paradoxical. I am willing to be impotent as a therapist.
I am willing to be defeated by the client. Of course, this
is very hard on my ego, but quite empowering to the therapy.
I approach each session as though my task is to give my very
best. What the client does with it is their responsibility.
The client can sense all of this on some level and it leaves
them much freer to allow me to have great impact on them.
I have attempted to do the same thing with this chapter. I
have given you the best I have to offer. I have included material
that my ego wanted to alter or censor. What you (the reader)
do with this is your responsibility. I hope it has been useful.
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Schwartz, Robert A., and Prout, Mourice, F. 1991. “Integrative
Approaches in the Treatment of Post-traumatic Stress Disorder.”
In Psychotherapy, 1991 Summer Vol. 28 (no.2).
Shaw, L. 1989. Love and Forgiveness: A Workbook for Self Healing
and Healing Relationships. Seattle: Leonard Shaw.
AN EXAMPLE OF “HOMEWORK” DONE BY AN INMATE WORKING
ON HIS CRIME OF RAPE:
Feelings
during:
Hardness Callousness
Disgust
Remorse-Sorrow
Feelings prior:
Struggle
Excitement
Wanting
Decision:
Feelings After:
Nothing
Sickness
Emptiness
Replay
Shame
Identity
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I’ll do what I want regardless of what you want
or feel.
a) at them—for giving in—not being willing
to die. Knew if they really resisted, I’d leave.
b) at myself—overall despair—like there
was nowhere lower I could go or be. I was the worst
I could become. No one would expect or want anything.
self—that I was this kind of person. Knew the
humiliation and shame I was leaving behind, yet feeling
if they didn’t choose to “die”, they
deserved the shame.
mind
over mind—battle—win good most all the time—excitement
of the setup/stalk, like being a soldier—me against
them.
fluttery stomach, breath catching in throat—alive—every
sense alert—at the same time, moments of sickness
(realization of what doing).
wanting to “do what I wanted” regardless
of other person’s feelings.
Last minute choice—the count—wall goes up.
Refusing all logic, heart messages.
keeping wall high—not allowing any feelings.
gut—wrenching remorse—wall up right away.
hating everyone—self-victim.
over and over to find “okay”—fighting
any emotion that comes up. Like watching something without
life—no excitement, disgust, anything.
later—shame yet “just you” attitude;
“What do you expect from someone like you”;
“fuck ‘em, they don’t matter”.
None—still trying to find balance-relationship
between love/sex/men and women.
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